Beam Me Up, Scotty

I like watching people at airports.  The clothing, the techie tools, the clashing of cultures.  It’s a blast.  I love the chicks in the pink sweatsuits with the tops open to reveal their cleavage. Are they looking to get lucky?  And the dorky looking guys with their high-tech cell phone/computer/dvd player/ipod whose operation completely exceeds the owners intelligence.  But he looks WAY cool with that thing, doesn’t he?  If he didn’t look so CONFUSED, I’m sure he would.

On the plane, they are equally as interesting.  Okay, so the married dude sitting behind me is trying to get the two women he’s with drunk.  They are not his wife.  Neither of them.  LOL.  And this guy doesn’t shut up.  I was kind of hoping there would be a change in cabin pressure so those oxygen bags would drop so he’d have to strap one on.  But I’m not certain even that would stifle his self important soliloque.  I guess I shouldn’t complain…at least he doesn’t smell.

My beloved trip to Malta in 2002 began with a flight to Germany.  The man I sat next to on that long flight had odors emanating from every possible orifice.  To me, smells are worse than useless sounds.

Okay, spoke to soon.  Don’t know who it is, but G*d it’s bad.

I think that it would be nice if the pilot told you when you are flying over something interesting.  Like a huge river or something.  What river was that we just flew over?  I mean, if I’m going to be uncomfortable for a few hours, I’d at least like to get off the plane enlightened.

The last flight I took was out to Washington State.  On the short leg of the flight, the child behind me banged and kicked the back of my seat the entire time.  That’s my luck.  My friend Rick always told me “If you didn’t have bad luck, you’d have no luck at all.”  Nice.  Anyway, I finally had enough, so I turned to ask the parent to control their child only to discover it was an older man with Parkinson’s Disease who was violently flailing.  I smiled at him and sank back down in my seat.  After that, I didn’t mind it so much. 

Okay, what is that out my window now?  It looks like a winding river in the outline of a kokopelli man.  Its hairpin turns and squiggles look very cool.  That is not making up for the absolute worst screaming and I do mean screaming child that I have EVER heard in front of me.  The father looks like some hard core marine type dude, who is just letting this kid pierce my ear drums.  Dude, duct tape.  Gotta love the stuff.

Warning to Celiacs – my people, airlines do NOT like us.  Make sure you bring your own snacks.  Luckily, I learned my lesson last time.  Those sweet honey-roasted peanuts have wheat starch on them.  So basically, you can’t eat ANY of the food they hand you.  I’ve got my cashews, almonds, chocolate and cookies.  Of course, I can’t reach any of them because I am squeezed in here like a sardine, but, I feel vindicated because I beat them at their game of trying to starve me.  HA!

All that said, traveling is a pain in the ass.  Beam me up, Scotty.


About ksbrooks

K.S. Brooks is an award-winning writer and photographer, author of more than thirty titles, and administrator of the multi-national, multi-author, award-winning site Indies Unlimited. Brooks’ feature articles, poetry, and photography have appeared in magazines, newspapers, books, and other publications both in the U.S. and abroad. For more about K.S. Brooks, visit
This entry was posted in Humor, Travel and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Beam Me Up, Scotty

  1. Krisaela says:

    Nice read. Lmao…

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