Yes, it’s that time again: time for my annual address as the self-proclaimed Commissioner of the PNHL (Pretend National Hockey League). My agenda is designed to be quick and to the point so everyone can get back to watching this year’s incredible NHL play-off hockey.
Kudos go to Joe Beninati and Craig Laughlin in the Geico commercials. The caveman, however, needs better material. And those new hot pockets? They look like they’re regurgitating something foul – they’re beyond repulsive to look at. My resolution: combine the two commercials. Joe and Craig can open, then send viewers down to the ice where NHL All-Star snipers use the hot pockets as pucks to shoot at the Geico caveman.
Bill Patrick, Keith Jones and Jeremy Roenick are so entertaining that I’m finding intermissions aren’t quite long enough. Roenick’s personality has really livened things up and his honesty is refreshing. So you ask – if the hockey is really good and intermission is really good – when are we supposed to get anything done? Um duh: July.
This year I’m handing out penalties, because as self-proclaimed commissioner, I can.
The first penalty goes to the officials who are making calls on perfectly good hits. In this instance, I’d like to have the heavy yellow penalty flags from the NFL to hurl at the officials so they know I’m displeased. Come on – hitting is part of the game. I agree that head shots should be prevented by instituting serious consequences. However, a good hip check should not be a penalty.
I’m also a fan of tradition, but I’m sorry, I do not want to see another slimy octopus thrown onto the ice. Where are people in Detroit getting these things anyway? How come the ASPCO (American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Octopi) isn’t protesting? I think whoever throws the damn thing on the ice should be charged with a delay of game penalty and fined. And I am unanimous in that.
Lastly, I know the New York Rangers are no longer in it, but I have to dish out retroactive penalties for the awful play-off moustaches they were sporting this year. A few of those guys looked like they were hoping to audition for some throw-back 70s garage porn movie after the series. Um, not that I’ve ever seen anything like that. But I’ve heard things.
Martin St. Louis is one of those guys you love to hate. He truly is an amazingly talented player. So I’m not going to make a wise-crack about his height or anything, I’m just going to ask a question: what’s the deal with having a folding chair next to the bench at Verizon Center instead of sitting on the bench with the rest of the guys? I’m not sure if I can allow this kind of preferential treatment. What’ll be next? Recliners next to the bench? Or why don’t we just get rid of the bench entirely and give each player one of those nice leather massage chairs to sit in? See how quickly things can get out of control? (Note to self: ask secretary to order leather massage chair for my office.)
The Nashville Predators are missing out on a prime marketing opportunity. It’s all about branding, right? So change the team’s mouth guards so they have fangs like the logo, and also make them available to the public. Can you imagine the sales at Halloween?
Last year, I drove all the way to Vancouver to watch Olympic hockey. It was then I noticed Alex Ovechkin suddenly began tucking in the back of his jersey so his tail bone pad flopped out. Then, this season, he started tying what looks like a really long shoe lace around his waist. That flaps around when he skates. I don’t get it. Why does one of the world’s best players look like he’s having a wardrobe malfunction?
This year’s play-offs have showcased some of the best match-ups I’ve seen in years. I hope they all go to overtime, and they all go to Game 7s. Hockey truly is FANtastic.