Okay, so I’m a little late for Shark Week. Or am I just really, really early? Back in 1999, I watched the movie “Deep Blue Sea.” Way the hell back in 1999, you wonder? Absolutely. I’ve held grudges longer than that, believe me. In any case, I just came across a little something I wrote after I watched it, and thought I would share just in case this thing is in your Netflix queue…
20 Things I Learned from the Movie “Deep Blue Sea”
- 50-foot-long sharks can navigate difficult areas while swimming in water only 3-feet-deep.
- Really smart sharks can tell the difference between titanium fencing and steel fencing just by eyeballing it.
- It’s okay to enlarge a 50-foot-long shark’s brain as long as you don’t do it genetically. That makes it bad.
- Smoking is very bad for you. Not only could you lose a lung, but also possibly the hand and arm that’s holding the cigarette.
- It’s okay to play with your food.
- If you are bitten in half by a 50-foot-long shark, you’ll be in tact and okay as long as you stab it in the eye with a cross while praying loudly.
- If you’re trying to defend yourself against a 50-foot-long shark, a frying pan is the weapon of choice. Toss that axe away!
- A floating compound/building can be completely demolished and still have full power.
- Really smart 50-foot-long sharks can locate a Zip disk, munch it without destroying the Ziploc bag it’s in, and not swallow it, then leave it so it can be conveniently and symbolically found.
- Even in life-threatening situations, manly men only get mad at women once they realize they’ve been used.
- If a rescue helicopter doesn’t return from a mission, no back-up will ever be sent.
- When a 50-foot-long shark is coming at you, don’t try to climb out of the water. It’ll be okay, really. Especially if you’ve got a cross. And you pray.
- Smart sharks can instantly heal the eye which was just stabbed with a cross.
- When you’re trapped in a collapsing building, you miraculously no longer need to wear your glasses in order to see better.
- Even if you’re really rich, you can still get killed if you’re stupid.
- A Leavenworth ex-convict and a structural engineer have sufficient strength to close a door against TONS of water pressure. Repeatedly.
- A floating compound’s escape routes should always be as convoluted and inconvenient as possible.
- Electrocuting a shark is far better accomplished in your underwear.
- Multimillionaire top executives of pharmaceutical companies resist the trend to carry a satellite cellular phone.
- Really smart sharks know where and how to turn the gas back on for your building.
MORAL OF THIS STORY: Stay away from really smart 50-foot-long sharks. And Samuel L. Jackson really is in every movie.